awkwarDATE

While I do enjoy the tinge of embarrassment and guilt every time I write a post about a past awkward date or make out sesh, I figured I should write about the present (which I’m hoping is less embarrassing). 

I’m going to get straight to the point: I have a SummerFling. 
But now to be less straight to the point here’s the context.

Some SummerFling BackStory: 
SummerFling is a student at the professional school I work at. I met him within my first couple weeks of work, and within a month he asked me out to drinks, and I told him I had a boyfriend. I didn’t see him or hear from him for a couple months after that. And then later in the year, our office hosted a fancy dinner, and I saw him and said hello and thought nothing of it. At the same time, I was flirting with another student, but hey that’s another story for another time. 

In the weeks following the dinner, SummerFling would come to my office to say hello. He even wrote me an email and asked me out to drinks.. again. (Can I just tell you — its weird but flattering to receive emails from students asking me out). I ignored his advances because I really wasn’t that into him, and had wrote him off as NotMyType for various personal reasons. After he graduated, he asked me out yet again (I think this was his fourth try), and I was kind of taken aback at how persistent he was, but once again I ignored his advances. 

One random day, I was walking with a new work friend all around my work neighborhood, and as the fates would have it, WorkFriend and I ran into SummerFling like 4x around the neighborhood. After much teasing WorkFriend said it was destiny and I should probably date SummerFling. And because he said it, I actually considered it. But of course, I wasn’t going to initiate anything, so I let it alone. Then a week later, SummerFling sent me a text and asked me out to drinks, and I ran over to WorkFriend’s office frantically and said “OMG WORKFRIEND! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!” 

WorkFriend said I should just go ahead and go on a date with SummerFling. What damage could it do? In WorkFriend’s words, “Just go out with him already.” So with much hesitation I let SummerFling know I was free for drinks after work. 

Our first date..
was simple. We grabbed some boba, and walked to the park. Then we walked through the park with a beautiful view in the background. And we talked. And we walked and we talked for two miles until we reached the park’s exit. But I didn’t want our date to stop, so we kept walking and found our way to a bar. And we sat and had drinks, and talked some more. And our conversation was so easy, not so awkward, and was comfortable and even fun. After drinks, he was supposed to meet up with his friends, and because we were having such a good time, he invited me to go with him, and I did. And I sat and I talked with him and his friends. And then it was late, and it was time for us to go home. 

I had A LOT of fun. I think it was everything I want in first date - just hanging out and getting to know each other. He made me laugh, and I didn’t feel any pressure to keep the conversation going. It was easy and it was fun. And I felt like I could be myself - a very shy version of myself, but MYSELF. I didn’t have to push and dig deep to find something to say. I laughed when he was funny and answered his questions, and asked the questions I felt like asking. 

It wasn’t necessarily “chemistry” but I ended the night smiling and excited to see him again.  And we went out again two days later. 

Sometime in March, I had a battle with my wine bottle opener. I really suck at opening wine bottles. In this particular pursuit, my bottle opener broke and I ended up bleeding. Anyway, I finally got the cork out, drank 2-3 glasses, and decided it was time for me to join OkCupid.

Had I been sober, or out on a Friday night, I probably would have not joined okcupid until…. well, never. Ok, fine, I think the internal deadline I gave myself was “If I am still single at 30, THEN I’ll join interwebs dating.” Go figure. POINT OF THE STORY IS: I’m on OkCupid, and I don’t know if I am ok with it at all.

It took me about an hour to set up my profile. I was online with two friends and they helped me with the wording on my profile. It was A LOT of back and forth. It is EXHAUSTING to package yourself. I mean, sure it’s an online presence, just like facebook, and you get to choose how you present yourself. The difference (to me) though is that you have to very consciously think about your audience and who you want to attract. I had to change my movie list like 4times because it wasn’t relatable to boys! Thank God I like Shawshank Redemption, or else the boys would never come to my yard. AND the pictures you post. MY GOD, THE PICTURES. What persona do I want? Do I want a “sexy” picture? Do I want to be “cute”? (I aimed for cute). I also realized, I make too many faces in pictures, and couldn’t find a decent solo shot for me to put on my profile. AND THEN, you have to think about other considerations: Will my friends find me here? (dear god, I hope not). What is the least/most information I can put out there, so that my potential mate canNOT google me? SO MANY THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.

To be fair, I don’t care all that much, but ok, I do. I do, in the sense that I want the RIGHT KIND of potential mate to send me a message. (Because, let’s be real, I’m not sending out messages to anyone. I’ll leave that up to the men. WHAT’S UUUUUPP TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES!)

And I did get messages. I received a lot of tacky messages from tacky men. i.e. the equivalent of receiving the 90s’ AIM message of A/S/L? And when I looked at their profile (out of curiosity), it would be the typical MySpace picture: the guy taking a picture of himself half naked in front of a mirror with the camera at just about the right angle (or so he thinks). Then I got a lot of messages about playing ukulele and working at a law school (both mentioned on my profile). Go figure. I guess wording and packaging does matter, and apparently those were the two most intriguing things about me. These fall under my sense of “normal messages.” Also included in “normal messages” were messages that said “oh hi! I like the same books and music as you, let’s be friends!” Most of these normal messages were sent by not so great looking guys or guys whose okcupid profiles were kind of gross. Usually a combination of both. And hey I’m not going on a date with a not so great looking guy. Yes. I said it. If I have to put myself out there, I’m doing it for an OK looking guy, preferably someone hot, or at least cute. C’mon! Dating strangers is scary! So you better be hot enough for me to think it’s worth it. And if your profile says that you go out drinking every weekend picking up “hot chicks”(which is totes normal for kids my age), you’re just not my type (and I’m judging you).

So what has OkCupid taught me? “Putting yourself out there” really means “Packaging yourself out there.” And then when you’re done packaging, and you take that step forward to go on a date, it’s about delivering. As if I’m some object.

If you can’t tell, I’m not a fan of OkCupid and this whole idea of online dating, but hey I’ll give it a try. Hey, I’ve given it 1.5 tries. Yes, you read that right. OnePointFive. But those are stories for another time. I haven’t been dating lately, so I’m trying to stretch out my blogging. Maybe by the next time I blog, it will be a solid 2 tries, maybe even 3. But I wouldn’t count on it.

I haven’t written in here in a while. This can be attributed by the following reasons: partly because TheRebound story took so much more energy from me than I imagined, partly because I have been dealing with real life, and mostly because I’m lazy. 

But, I’m going to close TheRebound story because now is as good a time as any. We’re going to fastforward to the present (well ok, last week) because this is where his chapter ends. 

For about three months we emailed back and forth, weekly e-mail exchanges. Nothing flirtatious, but always friendly i.e. “hey, i heard about this restaurant in SF!” or “this is how law school is going,” and somewhere in between that, I was accused of being an alcoholic of sorts. But that’s who TheRebound is, accusing because he cared. I’m glad one of my friends had the nerve to tell me how they felt (even though I still feel like he was wrong)… but I digress. 

And this is how we managed our friendship, through e-mail and occasional text. By occasional, I mean drunk (except his birthday. I did soberly text him on his birthday). The last drunk text (three weeks ago), was not only drunk but emotionally charged. I had just run into TheEx because a mutual friend was in town, and I was drunk and hurt (another story for another time). So OF COURSE, I turn to my emotional crutch. It wasn’t too exciting, but somewhere in the midst of all the “hey! what are you doing at 4a in the morning, you must be drunk!” I asked if I could visit him. 

He would be in Austin, TX this summer for a summer internship. Considering that Austin has become the new-ish hipster mecca, I was totally down to fly out and explore the city and be hip. But let’s be real: it was a glorified booty call in a new city. The fact that it was Austin was just an added bonus. He texted back and said his summer would be split between Houston and Austin, and so he’d have to get back to me with dates he’d be in Austin. And I was kind of really excited.

I didn’t hear from him in a week and a half. I was so used to TheRebound being out-of-sight, out-of-mind, that I didn’t really care or notice. I mean, my investment is little in this situation, I either save money by not flying out to Austin, or I get to hang out with a boy I like for a couple days. So if I heard from him, it would be happy, if I did not hear from him, it would be ok. Nothing lost. 

And then, he called me, and I missed his call. He CALLED me. Ok, that NEVER happens. I was both suspicious and excited. So, I called him back. I’m going to sum up the important part of the convo: 

Me: Hey! What’s up! 
TheRebound: Oh hey! So I have good news and bad news.
Me: Ok…….
TheRebound: So the good news is that I’m in Austin the times you want to visit.
Me: Hooray! and the bad news….?!?!
TheRebound: I’m sort of seeing someone.
Me: Oh. Why didn’t you just e-mail me that? 

Yes. I really did say, “Why didn’t you just e-mail me that?” And being the guy that he is, he felt that it was better that he call me, and e-mail was too impersonal. Which.. in theory, is a REALLY sweet thing for him to do. (GOD, HE’S SO GOOD!) But then, by calling, he could hear my reaction. The pang of hurt. The scurrying of oh god, I’m definitely not going to Austin anymore, but how do I save face?? 

But because I’m me, and probably have way too much pride, or block emotion by using intellect, I stayed on the phone with him, and tried to distract my emotions and asked him how his internship was going; how his school year ended; and what he had planned for his 2L year. And I asked about her, but little details: did she also go to Law School? Were they in the same class? Eh, we weren’t dating, so I genuinely cared. But I am a woman after all so I wasn’t going to ask the more painful questions: When did they meet? How did they meet? How long have they been “dating”? 

I don’t know if I care to know. All I need to know and care about is that TheRebound is off limits. I guess he was always off limits, considering the distance, but he was always there in the background, in an e-mail, through a text, even in my girlfriend’s insistence that he sounds like a REALLY GOOD GUY. [sigh]. He is a REALLY GOOD GUY. A really good guy I won’t be seeing this summer. A really good guy I’ll be trying very hard to push into The Friend category. A really good guy I may or may not see again.

I’m going to keep my fingers crossed that I find another ReallyGoodGuy. 

Pre-Visit
I went to see TheRebound Valentine’s Day weekend without honestly and truly thinking about Valentine’s Day and all its red roses and chocolate glory. That’s how much I don’t care about that holiday; it was just the first weekend I was free to fly.

Excited doesn’t even begin to define how I felt. I booked the tickets mid-January, and TheRebound and I exchanged some very cute and flirtatious texts.. which I’m not going to share because that’s just straight embarrassing. (Why hello there, Catholic Guilt and Interwebs boundaries!) TheRebound was so incredibly sweet - he sent emails and texts about things we could do, sites to see, and of course, places to eat. He even put together a google calendar of our itinerary. Be still my nerdy heart! In a very traditional sense, I felt like I was being courted and cared for, and I was totally ok with that.

The Visit
Nervous is probably a good word to describe how I felt. Thoughts going through my head included, but were not limited to: OMG, did I really just fly across the country to see this guy? What’s our dynamic going to be like? Feelings going through my heart included, but were not limited to: Does he like me? Do I REALLY like him? WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN? I was all sorts of confused - I didn’t know what I wanted, I didn’t know what he expected or wanted, but I was there.

And he was there, on the platform. And we kissed, like in the movies! And he took my bag, and he held my hand, and that’s how I started my four-day long date with him. 

I don’t want to go in very much detail about what we did, because that’s mundane. We walked; we ate; we held hands; we talked; we hung out with my friends; we drank; we had sex; we studied; we hung out with his friends; we napped; we ran errands. Needless to say, I had a lot of fun, but I don’t think I could really say I was truly myself. For all intents and purposes, I was on a FOUR DAY LONG DATE. Imagine being on a really good 3 hour date, or those dates that are SO GOOD you unexpectedly end up hang out with that person for 12 straight hours. I don’t care how good that date is, there’s always nerves and feelings of reservation. I felt like that for FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT.

I also had other things going on - my parents had called me during this trip and we got into the biggest argument we’ve ever had in my adult life, so that was weighing heavily on my mind. I also just didn’t know what I wanted from TheRebound. I thought I wanted an LDR, because that would have been SO EASY. I would have had all the emotional attachment of a relationship, but having the independence from living 3000 miles away. (But how stupid of me! I’ve been in an LDR, it’s FUCKING HARD. So why did I want one?)

We told each other we liked each other, but reality check - he lived on the west coast and was busy with school, and I lived on the east coast and just got out of a relationship. I guess all of the bells and whistles of being courted deafened my rational sense of reality - there was no way a relationship was going to build out of this. Even though, at the time, I felt like I wanted to be in a relationship with him, I wasn’t ready. And to be honest, as I type this, I can’t remember what he said. It’s still a little blurry or maybe I blocked it out of my memory from rejection embarrassment. But either way, we ended up not being in a relationship.

Post-Visit
So what became of us? We’re still friends. We e-mail each other about once a week just to catch up or keep up with each other. He’s just a really good guy, and let’s be real, I have major residual rebound feelings. But how much of that is because I felt like I was in the movies being swept off my feet, and how much of it is because he made me feel that way? And of course, how much of it was because I needed and wanted that emotional and physical validation?

I can’t say that I ever stopped liking this guy, but I can say that liking him hasn’t stopped me from dating other people.

Somewhere between my buying a ticket to see TheRebound and ACTUALLY seeing him, I turned 27 years old. TwentyfuckingSeven. This was hard for me for several reasons:

1. I am no longer in my MidTwenties! I guess that really doesn’t mean anything though. But for someone who is young at heart, looks and feels young, and refuses to join the professional world (i.e. wearing a lady suit), this is a complete mind fuck. Especially someone who discovered she was “cool” and “hip” at the age of 25. COME ON! I DESERVE MORE YOUNGER YEARS!
2. My parents had me at the age of 27. Ok, granted they are a different generation and were more culturally traditional, but still! My brothers both got married when they were 27! Why am I so behind in life?!? (Yes, I’m being dramatic).
3. I kind of REALLY hate celebrating my birthday away from my family and my friends in LA. I have friends in NYC, I get that, but it’s just not the same. For the last five years, I celebrated my birthday with my old roommate’s boyfriend. And this year, I wasn’t in LA to celebrate with him and our friends and my family. This fact made me lonely, on top of my new found singledom. It was the first time I was truly upset about being single. 

I am always really hesitant to host parties, because I’m always scared no one will show up and because I’m a TERRIBLE HOSTESS. But with the support of my closest friends in NYC, I had a Goodbye Mid20s, Hello Late20s Birthday Party.

And so.. I drank. I drank at my apt with a friend while working on getting pretty, then went to BestFriend’s apt, where he and his roommates made my favorite drink Gin&Tonic, and I drank some more. By the time we got to the bar, I was shwasted; so much so, that I refused to drink any more at the bar. (Yes, I’m a responsible drunk…maybe).

And I was dancing.. and I was dancing. I love dancing, btw. And I danced some more. Then! All of a sudden, I’m in the corner of the lounge making out with BestFriend’s Roommate! (hereafter called TheRoommate) WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?

A drunk MakeOutSesh! Whoa whoa whoa. If you know me at all, I’m not really proud of this moment. I know people have drunk make out sessions all the time with friends and strangers, but that’s not me! This story probably isn’t exciting to you because you probably make out drunkenly at least once a week or something, but to me, this was a BIG FUCKING DEAL. Even moreso because it was BestFriend’s roommate. And BestFriend knew I was flying out in two weeks to see his OTHER FRIEND, TheRebound. BestFriend even went out of his drunken way to say, “That’s messed up.”

But I mean, based on principle, I didn’t do anything wrong…right? I mean, I’m the newly single gal, I can make out with whoever I want! And I wasn’t tied to TheRebound, I didn’t know what we were. And of course, I was drunk! But I am a “good” girl, whose moral compass points to CATHOLIC GUILT (and leans just a little east towards INTEGRITY). I’m also neurotic and analytical, and OMG AM I DOING THIS SINGLE THING RIGHT?!?!

Anyway, TheRoommate left my party early and said that when I got back to his and BestFriend’s place, I should sleep in his room. (Every time BestFriend and I party in the city, I end up sleeping over at their place, because Brooklyn is SO FAR). Suffice to say, I did not sleep in TheRoommate’s room that night.

When I went to see TheRebound, I very shyly told him this story. And then he laughed.. REALLY HARD. And it made me like him even more.

My rebound experience:
Let’s cut to the chase: TheRebound and I had sex that night. How was I not going to have sex with the really hot guy sitting in my living room? Not only did he sit through two hours of pre-sex chatter, but everything was just… nice. (Are you annoyed with this word, yet?) We sat, we talked, we laughed; he put his arm around me, he was sweet and considerate every step towards my bedroom. 

Ok, so I missed describing the part where I was awkward. After the first kiss, I asked TheRebound if this is WHY he came to my apartment. Is this what he expected? Was I doing this right? I don’t even know what “this” was. What did he want in bed? These are all questions I asked OUT LOUD. I shutter as I recall and type this. But as I said, he was nice and he was sweet, and it felt right. 

My RomCom experience:
It’s a CLASSIC rebound story: I get to feel emotionally and physically validated. I actually don’t know what TheRebound got out of it, except for 3 more nights at my place. He even postponed his flight back to the west coast so we could spend more time together. 

And in the course of three days, I lived in the fun and exciting part of any and all RomComs. You know what I’m talking about, the middle part of the movie where the two main characters are falling in love, cheesy music is in the background and their relationship is in fastforward but their kisses are in slow motion. We went to dinner with his friends and held hands under the table; we made out on the street corners; we would steal looks at each other across the table; and when we got back to my place those nights, we pounced on each other. 

And of course, I TOTALLY FELL for this guy. That’s part of the rebound experience, right? I mean I REALLY fell for him. I even suffered through insomnia and stayed awake from 1a to 4a to keep the long distance connection alive. We kept in touch in true millennial, noncommittal form: texts and emails, and a drunken call here and there. 

And then reality:
I was confused. If you know me at all, I don’t like NOT KNOWING where I stand with people; I have an almost unhealthy need to know where things are going. I need to know if the chase is worth it. I love the butterflies in the stomach feeling if I know you too have butterflies in your stomach. If not, then I’m drinking arsenic to kill those little fuckers. 

So I was honest and blunt and awkward little me. I told him I liked him, and I was confused, and OMG WAS HE MY REBOUND? Yes. I actually asked him that. And we talked…. and planned for me to come visit him. 

Since I’m unsure what rebounding entails but know it has some sort of negative connotation, I feel really bad for calling him TheRebound. I think it’s a default title, because he’s the first guy I slept with after THE Ex. But the more we planned for my trip, the more I REALLY LIKED THIS GUY. 

This is going to be the first time I say it, but it won’t be the last: The title of this blog is a misnomer. I’m not THAT awkward. I have awkward moments during dates, but I can be sociable. I can even be cute. But at the end of the day, I’m a girl who just doesn’t know how to date because for four years - FOUR PRIME DATING YEARS - I WASN’T DATING. 

I did however grow up with two older brothers and ten male cousins. With that kind of history, I’m going to go out on an egotistically limb and say: I know how to talk to boys (for the most part). This is not to say that growing up with all boys doesn’t breed insecurities. But hey, let’s stay focused here.

Just because I know HOW to talk to boys doesn’t mean I know WHAT to say. And remember, I’m NICE. When I see something I like about you, I’ll give you a compliment. AND, for four years, I got to play the “I have a boyfriend” card. I could say what I wanted with very little consequence because there was “the boyfriend.” Let me expand on this concept, because I promise you, it will be recurring: 

Scenario 1 (Me with boyfriend):
I say: Hi guy friend! You look good today! 
Guy friend may think: A compliment! is she hitting on me? No, wait, that’s who she is and she has a boyfriend. 

Same scenario (Me without boyfriend):
I say: Hi guy friend! You look good today! 
Guy friend may think: A compliment from my single friend who is kind of cute! I’m going to return this compliment, and see how she reacts. Maybe I can get some tonight. 

Ok, so I may be exaggerating on how boys react (OR AM I??) but when I was in a relationship, I never really considered what a guy may be thinking, because it didn’t matter to me. I was happy in my own little coupled up world. 

Back to my original point: I’m not awkward. I just don’t think. I’m naive, for lack of a better word. I’ll even give you a real life example - when TheRebound asked me where I lived, I texted him my address, and then two seconds later, proceeded to text BestFriend if he wanted to come over and play Wii games with us. That’s how much I wasn’t thinking.

BTW, BestFriend said it was too late to come over. And about twenty minutes later, TheRebound was at my door. You want more examples of how much I really didn’t think about the potential of that night? I was in pajamas, with my hair up, no make-up on but glasses on, legs unshaven, teeth not brushed, and I opened the door. 

AND THE STORY CONTINUES…  Our Facebook message thread.

TheRebound: Do I have a choice, cause it looks like you answered for me.Will you be free: morrow after dinner for drinks and/or Thursday for dinner with BestFriend and other folks?

Me: Either one. I guess it just depends on time and location? where is when? (Yes that’s how I talk in my facebook messages, AND IRL).

—Next Day—

TheRebound: I’ve no plans after 9:30 morrow so anywhere works for me and I think we’ll likely eat around 7:00 in the West Village somewhere on Thursday.

Me: Ok 9:30p is too late for me to leave my apartment. because I am sleepy all the time. Ok, it’s because I just got a wii and I want to set it up and play let’s dance 2 all night. you can join the dance party? Anyway, I’ll probably crash your dinner tomorrow. hope that is ok? (See how I was more interested in going to the dinner??)

TheRebound: Ha. It’s good to have priorities. Assuming you can stay awake past 10:00, I can crash your dance party, if you don’t mind. Either way, see you soon. (WHAT?? I DIDN’T THINK HE’D ACTUALLY TAKE ME UP ON MY DANCE PARTY IDEA! I didn’t actually think it was a REAL option).

Me: Well it’s 8:45p and I’m still awake and trying to figure out how to install and set up my wii. If this sounds exciting to you, feel free to come on over! hrmm.. by 10p, I’ll be watching top chef all-stars.

Around 10:30pm, I received this text: So where do you live again? (btw, his number was still unrecognized on my phone).